This gnawing feeling
by seasnake.756
Summary: Premature mortality. It comes with being a parasite-type. You know it... you can't stop it. And those pieces... you'll never get them back. *Another addition to the angst!Allen goodness.*


Personally I think this sucks. I wrote it long ago and didn't post 'cause it doesn't flow well... at least that's what I think.

Situated after Lenalee's new Innocence has been "inspected"

Disclaimer: I own D.Gray-Man. Of course I might be talking about the 3 volumes I have in my shelf... yes, totally own it. XD

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This gnawing feeling.

Allen felt Lenalee's gaze on him. He knew that if he looked her back, he would see sadness, anger and all kinds of feelings assimilated to death.

There would also be pity.

_Pity._

Oh, dear akuma how he hated that feeling.

Of being _pitied._

He could bet that Lenalee had run out of things to do and think and had just remembered Hevlaska's words.

"_Parasitic-type users posses a powerful innocence within their own bodies and it continually pushes those bodies beyond their limits. As such, their lifespan is used up more quickly than a normal persons. They do not have as long to live as other humans."_

Allen was relieved that she didn't become a parasitic type. He'd hate to answer that shameful question again.

He cringed when he recalled the time at the train, when Krory had asked that question.

FLASHBACK!

"_Ano… Allen?"_

"_What is it Krory-san? Is something wrong?" He had answered, unsure, but he saw the troubled look he gave to Lavi's direction and realized what he was going to ask. It was about _that."

_He ushered Lavi out of the compartment. Lavi threw a curious look towards them b__ut went anyway. Seemed like he sensed that this was something personal that Krory wanted to talk about. _

_Once Lavi was out of the way, Allen sat opposite of Krory and smiled a more sympathetic smile. It seemed to calm him down. He was still wiggling his hands and legs and kept his gaze mostly at his lap. Classic signs of nervousness. (Allen had always found it funny how many people who thought themselves as poker-pros exhibited these signs.) _

_He looked like a schoolgirl who was about to ask her parents about where babies come from._

_But then again, Allen thought, this was perhaps something just as intimate. If not more._

"_Tell me, Krory." _

"_Well, I've been feeling a little weird lately. Every time I see an akuma, I get this… this lust-like feeling and I just want to _kill _it. After the akuma are gone I just… feel empty and so goddamn tired."_

_Allen smiled at him awkwardly. He knew what he was talking about. _

"_And then there is this feeling of loss. Even when there's no invocation, I feel like something just gnaws me slowly away. I feel like I'm going empty somehow. I really can't describe it well…"_

_Allen needed not to hear more. "Do you know, Krory, that Innocence is a powerful substance. It's so powerful that you need to shackle that power or weird things start happening. That's how we don't have to wander around randomly looking for it. Its presence usually can be noticed."_

"_But when Innocence is used as a weapon, its power must be controlled. An equipment-type exorcist has an object which confines the Innocence to the desired shape. They just have to learn how to use it after that."_

"_But parasitic-types, like us, use their bodies to confine the Innocence. A human body is not meant to hold such power and because of that, it forces our bodies to use immense power to keep it in. The continuous strain…" Allen paused. "Are you sure you want to know?"_

_For once Krory looked like his age. "Tell me." He simply said._

"_The strain shortens the lifespan significantly."_

_Allen admitted that he was fascinated by the amount of feelings that morphed themselves on Krory's face in a short time.__ But soon only determination was left._

"_I understand." They had no need for the unspoken words. _

END FLASHBACK

Krory was doing this for Eliade, for her memory, because he'd loved her. More than anything he would ever come to love.

Just like Allen was doing this, fighting this war, for Mana.

But when comparing Allen and Krory, it was clear who would go first. If they wouldn't be killed in action it would be Allen who would go first. Krory had carried his Innocence barely a year when Allen for his whole life.

And ironically, if the Earl would find the Heart… If you had to bet who would be left standing, it would be Krory for sure.

If the heart would be found in the battlefield…. Allen sometimes dreamed about it.

_There would probably be casualties already. Rare battles went without those. At some point they would hear the giddy laughter of the Earl. _

_A sound of something being crushed. _

_Then all the Innocence would start to turn into dust. There would be screams and shouts._

_But at this point, he wouldn't hear them anymore. Pain would silence the world around him. Hot, white pain. There wouldn't be any energy to scream anymore. _

_There would be few agonising beats and then…_

silencenoisewhiteblackcoolhoteverythingnothing.

He always woke up at this point. He doesn't know if it's a nightmare or not.

He doesn't remember anymore what life feels like without the foreboding shadow of death looming over his shoulder. Even as a child, Innocence still inactive, it had still been there.

A feeling of slowly being chipped away. For someone else it wouldn't have been such a big thing but Allen had always known.

Big things consisted of small things and once you lost something, even that small piece, it would never come back.

He avoided thinking about it.

Because it made him want to _scream_.

He didn't think it mattered anymore.

His image was tainted already.

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This needs to be improved!! I gladly take suggestions, I want to make it work for your sakes... So review.


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